This is why I hate group projects
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage