I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
This could be us but you eatin’
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person