*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt