It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.