Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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