OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus