“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Good morning y’all ☀️
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now