Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.