doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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that lip filler tho
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese