Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me too 😆
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP