FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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🤣dope
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Put a ring on it
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
where the womens at?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.