i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
okay run it by me one more time
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
What about second breakfast?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.