No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
This probably isn’t good
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
the clam before the storm
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!