ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
this is literally a CIA plant
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”