Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.