today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
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Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Sing it!
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I bet birds love this building.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.