Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You Might Also Like
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
#winning
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
as is their right
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
*mops up wine with cat*