Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
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Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I wish I were this cool 😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
When news reporters do sports stories
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.