Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Just me and my debit card against the world
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness