for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.