How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt