“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Lately I have the attention span of wait what
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us