Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*has no idea what a book even is*
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this