I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority