Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
the #horror is real!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.