I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
This raises questions
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.