There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
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Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
yeet
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.