i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.