Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Bit chilly again tonight.
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I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.