Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]