Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?