Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Every. Damn. Time.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Catercrombie & Fish
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.