If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
yea so i messed up lol
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
My wife gives the best headache.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.