sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back