I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
wtf management?!
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
spicy snake
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”