I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick