Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.