“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
no such thing as a dumb question
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with