Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
You Might Also Like
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.