[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.