I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
There is no try. There is only give up.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth