cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.