Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
*updates tinder bio*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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