Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
#Caturday
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*