Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.