In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!