I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Why soy sad?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.