GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
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You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱