At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
79.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Not messing around
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon