FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.